We Look, But We Don't See

Social media has allowed us to believe that we know each other. We look at pictures of people's daily lives on multiple websites & apps.  They post what they like, what they ate, what they listen to, even who they're voting for. And we look at it all.
I mean, I guess we do learn a little. Saying, "he's obviously corny if he posts money pics" or assuming "she never has her kid because she's out at every day party and every night party."
People are only giving us a glimpse into their life though. And even then, it's what they choose to show. Or they could be plain ol' faking it...  Taking pics in someone else's Rolls Royce or posting "My hubby sent me 'just because' flowers," but she really bought them for herself (true story).

Abu Dhabi

If you've read my other blog post, you know that I've always travelled. It's importance has been instilled in me since childhood. Currently though, its main benefit is to help keep me sane, so I travel as much as I can.  Most of this traveling is with my son, Ethan.  But sometime it's a girl's trip or just some much needed mommy alone time. This was all fine until I started posting pictures from said vacations.
I made an Instagram account after I was married and had Ethan.  However, the "issue" with my posts didn't seem to come until after my divorce. I travelled the same amount as I did before and during my marriage. But this time it seemed to be viewed differently, or better yet negatively, by others. I got A LOT of "You out of town again?!" or "Must be nice!" or "I want to be like you when I grow up!"  For the most part, these were all in jest.  However, I realized that many people were looking at my post and had no actual clue to what was going on in my life (nor was it their business). 
I remember going to Jamaica twice in one month (my family is from there, so I go often). I went with my son first for a wedding, then again a couple weeks later to relax.  Even though I took some amazing pictures that trip, I decided not to post because I didn't want to be judged. "How is she able to go on these trips on a teacher's salary? Who is she with? I wonder if her son is with her."

Paris

Instead of wondering and just looking at my life, I'm going to let you see it.

I absolutely love to travel. Whether it be to visit family, explore another place/culture, relax, sightsee, etc. Just get me outta here! However in 2013, traveling was one of the things that saved me. After I got divorced, I needed that outlet desperately.
I needed to be out of my normal environment.
I needed to get away.
I needed to get back to myself and do things I enjoyed.
I needed that out of town fun.  You know what I mean?! That "no one knows me here so I can really act out" fun. You know.
I also needed to relax. Feel the sun on my body, the sand in my toes, the wind in my hair, and the ocean in my ears. Laying by the ocean in Montego Bay, September 2013, is where I finally accepted and appreciated my "freedom." I cried alone on that beach. There were no other guests out so early in the morning. In my bathing suit, on vacation, drinking some frozen beverage, with tanning oil on every part of my skin that was bare, I cried. It had been 5 months since my divorce was final and it wasn't until that moment that I was able to lose my resentment and disappointment in my ex and our failed marriage.

Sometime we travel to get away and sometime we travel and we find ourselves.

Montego Bay

I enjoy traveling. The escape that it brings and the restoration it provides. Some people don't travel, and that's fine.  But don't give me the side eye when I say I'm going to DC for the weekend or Dubai for spring break.
I remember a coworker questioning my travel habits. Sidenote - I rarely took days off work to travel and my students were not affected by it in any way. I don't recall her exact words, but I do remember how it felt when she said them. My response... I deleted her from Instagram. Not to be petty, but we obviously didn't need the type of relationship where we know about each other's personal lives.  

That didn't solve the true issue. The real problem was that she looked, but she didn't see.

She didn't see that I was coping with a divorce and raising my son as a coparent. I spent many nights on the bathroom/kitchen/bedroom floor crying, wondering how my life came to this. She did not see that I was trying to embrace my new identity. I was a divorced mother. 29 with a one year old on my hip. I didn't plan my life that way. (Because everything we plan works out how we think right? Laugh out loud.)  Most of my family had moved out of state by this time and I felt alone. Alone and afraid.
She didn't see that I moved out of our marital home and was barely making it in the condo I was renting.
She didn't see that I sacrificed and moved to my dad's for a year to save to buy a home. Not to mention living with a stepmother never cared to form a bond with me, even though she'd been around since I was 4.

You look at me travel, but you don't see me save. You don't see the daily sacrifices. You don't see the work. Summer of 2014, I started working at a restaurant on the days Ethan was with his dad. 
This is difficult to write about because for some reason, I feel embarrassed. I don't want to work there, but I have to. I pray about this feeling... I pray to be grateful for additional income rather than angry that I have to work a second job. I pray to get through this season with clarity and appreciation. But now, it makes me question my decisions in life and that's not easy to get past. Why am I working a side job when I have a career and a master's degree? 
So many days I've gone to work and taught all day just to go to my second job and work another 8 hours. Days that my friends are all getting together, but I'm serving others in the hot sun. It's overwhelming and most days, "I am mf tied!"

Ethan's beach cameo

I would love to enjoy my "time off" from being a mommy.  I'd like to sit in peace. I'd like to get some rest. I'd like to write. But instead I'm working those days to have an emergency fund and a travel account.  Mind you, my basement flooded twice this year. Although I'm tired and get teased most days for passing out by 9:30pm, I am grateful.  I am grateful that I could take care of my basement right away. I am grateful that I am able to take Ethan to see his family in different states and countries. I am grateful that when I feel like a vacation is needed, I can take one. *Bali 2018 anyone?*

Can you see why I travel? Can we stop looking, and see each other? I didn't write this for the lookers though, I wrote it for me. "You can't heal what you never reveal." - Jay-Z 4:44

Aruba

Yes, my grass is green. And shit, it might be greener than theirs and that's why they keep looking at it. I work for that beautiful lawn. I lay grass seeds. I spread fertilizer. I pick weeds. I mow the lawn. I water it. I even make sure no one walks on it.

Every day, I work on my grass. Every single day, and I'll be damned if I don't frolic in it.