It took me 33 years to realize that it is ok to be selfish. And now, I refuse to live my life any other way. I will selfishly enjoy every day I'm blessed with.
I am aware that saying "I put myself first" sounds very selfish. However, in no way does putting yourself first infringe upon your ability to be caring, nice, giving, or the many other characteristics we consider "good." Coincidentally, by putting myself first, I am better able to be all these things to others. Being selfish has allowed me to become my best self. How can I take care of my son or be a good friend to someone when I am not taking care of myself or being a good friend to myself?
My first step was to be selfish with my time. I value my time. And as I get older, its value only increases. I choose what I do with my time, who I spend it with, and how to spend it most effectively. It sounds simple, but it wasn't so easy in the beginning. It is definitely easier to get deterred from that plan. It's easy to go somewhere when you're invited. It's easy to procrastinate. It's easy to Netflix and chill. Saying no to "fun," to others, and to yourself is the difficult part.
No, I can't go for after dinner drinks. A pear martini sounds great, but I need to be home by 8pm to write because I'm on a self-imposed deadline, and I need to be asleep by 11pm to get 7 full hours of sleep.No, I can't go to the mall with you because I don't know how to window shop. I am trying to save my money and I will end up spending what I don't have running from store to store with you.
No, you can't come over today because I already scheduled this time to work towards a goal of mine.
Our time is precious and it's ok to say no. I repeat, it is ok to say no. If I didn't say no today, I wouldn't have this blog post. I wasn't a drill sergeant with my schedule, but I was sure to be productive with my time. Being selfish, in no way, means being boring or inconsiderate. I still made time for myself, my family, my goals, my career, my travels, and my friendships/relationships. Which reminds me... Be selfish in your friendships/relationships.
All relationships are give and take. We are not built to give all the time and not get anything in return. This may sound bad to some, but if there is nothing to take, you must be selfish and go. This year, I almost lost a friend I've had 20 years. The friendship was draining me. I took some time to reflect on our relationship and I realized I gave that friendship everything. I gave and I gave for 20 years. I never took. I never had the opportunity to take. The friendship left me depleted. Someone was continually drawing from my well, but never replenishing to the tune of which they drew. It was an unhealthy situation and I had to remove myself to continue being a good mom/sister/daughter/friend to others.
Although dating isn't a true relationship, I've decided to take my selfishness to that arena as well. I have a busy schedule. I am a mother with a career, a second job, a novel to write, planned girls' nights, travel arrangements, family to visit, etc. So although I do date, it takes no real priority in my life. You have to get in where you fit in. For example, I am not going to find and pay for a sitter to go on a date with someone I barely know. I value the time I spend with my son and I value the money in my bank account. Now, if I am not working, and my son is at his dad's, that is the day offered. It is not unknown for me to say to a potential date when they ask to go out, "I'm available the 8th, 10th, 19th, and 22nd this month." If potential date can't respect and understand that my time is valuable and becomes angry because he's not given enough time, then he can spend his time elsewhere. I truly believe what's meant to be will be. And he, obviously, isn't "meant to be" for me.
While on the subject of sitters, dare I say it... Be selfish to your kids. My world revolves around my son, Ethan. I believe most people feel this way when they have children. I couldn't schedule anything for myself without checking his schedule first. I couldn't go to the mall without buying something for him. I couldn't plan a weekend, a spa day, a trip, or even a grocery store run without thinking of him. That's a ridiculous way to live. Although every need of his was taken care of, I, on the other hand, was not doing the same for myself. Yes, he is my world, BUT I am still living in said world. Not just existing in it! Why am I polishing my own nails and doing my own hair and wearing the same wardrobe for 3 years? Parents... YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you a better one. You cannot create a life and then forget about your own. Take care of your child AND take care of yourself. Make a standing manicure/pedicure appointment, vow to buy yourself something once a week, sign up for that kickboxing class, and continue to pursue your passion.
My best friend faced a tough decision this year in an effort to pursue her passion. She had been practicing yoga for three years and the desire to teach was laying heavy on her heart. However, to gain a teaching certificate, she had to go to Costa Rica and complete a four week training. This meant she would have to leave her family (husband and four year old daughter) and her job for an entire month. She was completely torn. She prayed, meditated, planned, reflected, discussed, and analyzed every possible scenario. The answer remained unclear, but the desire to teach remained as well. Although her husband was supportive, it was difficult for her to even imagine being away from her young daughter. We talked about this in depth and my advice was for her to book that flight, go to Costa Rica, and come back with a piece of paper that would allow her to do something she loved as her profession. My goddaughter has an amazing village and would be fine. There was no need to worry. She had to be selfish.
She had to do this for herself. Not only would she be happy and fulfilled, but she would return a better version of herself. Someone that had a goal and accomplished it. A parent that showed her daughter that she can do anything she sets her mind to. A wife that gained not only another source of income, but a deeper respect from her husband. A friend that inspired others to follow their dreams. She would be selfish and everyone around her would benefit.
Picture above - her in Costa Rica during training. A true testimony! Let the church say amen!
In the end, who am I to give advice? My life isn't perfect and I'm 33 with a million more things to learn as I continue to adult and get through this thing we call life. I don't write these blogs to tell you what to do, but to tell you what works for me. My hope is that this post allows you to be unapologetically selfish or that it helps you understand the need someone else has to be selfish. Let someone better themselves. Allow someone to have personal space/time. Encourage someone to pursue their passions. Do all these things, but most importantly choose to do those same things for yourself.
Signed,
Living my Life Selfishly and Happily
While on the subject of sitters, dare I say it... Be selfish to your kids. My world revolves around my son, Ethan. I believe most people feel this way when they have children. I couldn't schedule anything for myself without checking his schedule first. I couldn't go to the mall without buying something for him. I couldn't plan a weekend, a spa day, a trip, or even a grocery store run without thinking of him. That's a ridiculous way to live. Although every need of his was taken care of, I, on the other hand, was not doing the same for myself. Yes, he is my world, BUT I am still living in said world. Not just existing in it! Why am I polishing my own nails and doing my own hair and wearing the same wardrobe for 3 years? Parents... YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you a better one. You cannot create a life and then forget about your own. Take care of your child AND take care of yourself. Make a standing manicure/pedicure appointment, vow to buy yourself something once a week, sign up for that kickboxing class, and continue to pursue your passion.
My best friend faced a tough decision this year in an effort to pursue her passion. She had been practicing yoga for three years and the desire to teach was laying heavy on her heart. However, to gain a teaching certificate, she had to go to Costa Rica and complete a four week training. This meant she would have to leave her family (husband and four year old daughter) and her job for an entire month. She was completely torn. She prayed, meditated, planned, reflected, discussed, and analyzed every possible scenario. The answer remained unclear, but the desire to teach remained as well. Although her husband was supportive, it was difficult for her to even imagine being away from her young daughter. We talked about this in depth and my advice was for her to book that flight, go to Costa Rica, and come back with a piece of paper that would allow her to do something she loved as her profession. My goddaughter has an amazing village and would be fine. There was no need to worry. She had to be selfish.
She had to do this for herself. Not only would she be happy and fulfilled, but she would return a better version of herself. Someone that had a goal and accomplished it. A parent that showed her daughter that she can do anything she sets her mind to. A wife that gained not only another source of income, but a deeper respect from her husband. A friend that inspired others to follow their dreams. She would be selfish and everyone around her would benefit.
In the end, who am I to give advice? My life isn't perfect and I'm 33 with a million more things to learn as I continue to adult and get through this thing we call life. I don't write these blogs to tell you what to do, but to tell you what works for me. My hope is that this post allows you to be unapologetically selfish or that it helps you understand the need someone else has to be selfish. Let someone better themselves. Allow someone to have personal space/time. Encourage someone to pursue their passions. Do all these things, but most importantly choose to do those same things for yourself.
Signed,
Living my Life Selfishly and Happily
It is ok to be selfish! Great post! I can't wait to read more
ReplyDeleteThanks for always reading and being so supportive!
DeleteI enjoy all your post!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading! Glad you enjoyed :)
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